Want to lose eight pounds in four days? Well, I can tell you how to do it. This really works. I mean it. I know for a fact it works. I’ve tested it. But I warn you: It isn’t pleasant.
Step One: Stop at a Sandwich shop
Yup, that’s right, the first step is to do what I did and stop at a local sandwich shop, which apparently doesn’t have a very good sense of cleanliness. Either that, or they had bad chicken that was contaminated.
Step Two: Eat sandwich
This step is pretty explanatory, but you’ll want to wolf this sandwich down as fast as you can, before your stomach says, “Woa. Something doesn’t feel right here.”
Step Three: Get Seven Hours of sleep in 72 Hours
Preferably, before you eat the sandwich, make sure you’ve been awake for about 20 hours after having slept for three hours. Then, stay awake for another four-five hours, and then get like 5 hours of sleep. Stay awake for as long as possible. This will weaken your immune system completely so that the contaminated food can take full and complete control over your digestive system. Wait for the colon cramps to start.
Step Four: Get Diarrhea!
All the previous steps should lead to one of the worst stomach flu/virus/bacteria infections you’ve ever encountered. Fifteen minutes after drinking or eating anything, your stomach will coil itself into a painful snake, and you will spend the next 15 minutes on the toilet desperately trying to uncoil said snake. Eventually, the diarrhea will subside, and, dehydrated you’ll return to your resting spot.
Step Five: Sit on the couch
Yes, this is the best step of all. After a few days of dying on the coach, you should visit a Doctor, who will prescribe that you follow a strict BRAT (Banana, Rice, Apple Sauce, and toast/tea) diet. You’ll weaken rapidly and maybe even develop a slight fever as your body fights off whatever is destroying your bowels. You’ll have bowel issues well beyond the normal 48 hours, and you’ll definitely not want to eat anything but the most bland, fiber-less foods. In my case, I did BATT, which was Banana, apple sauce, tea and toast. We didn’t have rice or a rice cooker, so I skipped that. The rest was… Yummy.
Step Six: Weight Loss!
After six days, you will have lost weight. You’ll be weak and malnourished, probably a bit dehydrated, but those pounds will be shed like no tomorrow!
And I can promise this will work, because I just did it! That’s right, last week I did this very thing, and I lost EIGHT POUNDS!
Okay, sure, I completely destroyed my workout plans, and returning to Ironman Triathlon training has been very difficult, but I LOST EIGHT POUNDS.
And that’s all that matters, right?